August 31, 2012

Chavez's Fantasy Football Dice Roll



With the 2012 Football season fast approaching, the author received a frantic telegram from Robinzon Chavez, the editor-publisher of Sports-Thrust, begging for help in assembling a respectable Fantasy Football roster. It is the eighth consecutive season that Mr. Chavez has reached out to the author in a near-rabid state of panic over his Fantasy Football team, in spite of the fact that the author has never once competed in a Fantasy League, and has on several occasions accused Fantasy Football of “destroying America.”

Mr. Chavez has finished each of these eight seasons with a losing record, including a winless season last year. The author initially declined, as he always does, to help Mr. Chavez in any way, instead insisting that Mr. Chavez has been getting exactly what he deserves. 

When Mr. Chavez offered the author a large sum of cash for his assistance, the author agreed to help at once.


This has got to be the stupidest thing you’ve ever given me money for, and that’s including the Indonesian exorcism you bet me to undergo. Not only do I have almost no idea how Fantasy Football even works, I have absolutely no interest in seeing you succeed at it. Surely you knew that when you asked me for advice. There is something sinister at work here, but I like it.

So here it is. The top five can’t-miss, sure-shot players around, plus one sleeper, according to the research I did on the Internet, which you could have done yourself if you took five goddamned minutes to learn how to use Google.


Aaron Rodgers
Tom Brady
Today’s NFL passing statistics are the Norm Peterson’s-bar-tab of sports. The numbers just keep piling up, higher than they’ve ever been before, but even on the occasions that Sam reaches below the bar to haul out the industrial-sized 3-ring binder that (almost) holds the whole thing together, it’s hard to tell whether you should take it seriously or not. Yeah, that’s a lot of money, but does Norm ever really have to pay it back?

The 2012 season was no aberration. Professional Football is, and will continue to be until it is wiped off the face of the Earth for good in 2021, a passing game. The NFL has built its entire modern infrastructure around the creation of 5,000-yard passers and Fantasy gods.

Enter Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady. They play the game like it was designed for them, largely because it was. Both play on teams in which the running game is a mere formality, only there to compliment and enhance the passing attacks, which are likely to remain among the best in League history.

This isn’t rocket science. It’s brain surgery.


Calvin Johnson
Simply put, no one can cover Calvin Johnson. Not even a lame nickname can slow him down. But can you justify him as a top-five pick? You can if you think he has a legitimate chance at 2000 receiving yards.

Quarterbacks are rewriting the record books, and the last I checked (this morning) they’re throwing the ball to somebody. Not all of those extra passes are going to today’s Tight Ends of the Future. Wide receivers will join in the record-breaking party at some point, and no one is more poised to make that happen than “Megatron.”


Drew Brees
Matthew Stafford
The thinking behind placing such a premium on the handful of top running backs — the McCoys, MJDs, Fosters — is that after you get by them all that’s left is a bunch of question marks and jumbled backfields.

That’s a flawed logic. The heap of gambles and what-ifs below the top guys is mostly made up of the previously-elite Fantasy running backs. The top three ranked RBs going into last year, by most rankings, were Adrian Peterson, Chris Johnson and Jamaal Charles. There’s just not a good enough reason to think this year’s preseason studs will escape the same fate.

I’d much prefer to spend a top five pick on a starting quarterback, especially with Drew Brees still on the board. All he did last year was set a league record for passing yards to go along with 46 touchdowns. We should quickly find out how much the absence of Sean Payton will disrupt the Saints’ offense, but it’s not like they brought in Rich Kotite to call plays. Brees will be fine.

Matthew Stafford rounds out my top five. Will he throw for 5,000 yards again? Probably not, but it’s a near lock that he’ll get close. The Lions’ running game remains a disaster, but nowadays that doesn’t matter! And it can’t hurt having the most dominant receiver in the game as a target.


Fred Davis
Fred Davis is our kind of guy. It would certainly be going too far to call Davis the Doc Ellis of tight ends for his marijuana suspension last year, but he’s got that spark you’d look for in your wingman for wandering Pirate’s Paradise looking for mischief.

After an incident in which he was accused of impersonating Santana Moss and “throwing juice” on a female pimp, he’s made the astonishing decision to represent himself in the resulting lawsuit — and the trial, scheduled for March, could be the courtroom event of 2013.

At this point you’re either with Fred Davis, or you’re against him. He’s a top-five TE talent that you can easily pick up in the eighth or ninth round. He could go on to have one of those freaky seasons where he dominates the box scores seemingly out of nowhere; he could also very well test positive for the dope again and miss most of the season.

Is it a roll of the dice? Sure, but so is every other player on the board. Every team’s season — whether Fantasy or brick-and-mortar — usually comes down to a twisted round robin of injury Russian roulette.

I don’t know why you waste your time with this garbage, Chavez. Why don’t you grow a set and join up to the PushMaster Invitational? I could lie to them regarding your Class and Sportsmanship if you like.


Robb Witmer Full would rather beat himself to death with snakes than join a Fantasy Football league. If you don't get that, then maybe you would if you followed him on Twitter. Probably not, though.