November 5, 2009

Sucking Balls by the Cuyahoga

By Robb Witmer Full 

Beginning of Wikipedia entry on the Browns, as of Nov 4, 6:30 PM MST: "The Cleveland Browns suck balls, but still are an American football team based in Cleveland, Ohio."

After only four weeks of the NFL season, Matt Taibbi called the Browns "perhaps the most fucked franchise in all of sports right now." That's only scratching the surface.

Owning this iteration of the Browns has been a colossal mind-fuck for Randy Lerner, pushing him into obvious paranoid schizophrenia. He recently coordinated an investigation of his own team's GM, including into his "professional and personal conduct."

It's not like the guy drafted Tim Couch or anything. Lerner, in looking for a replacement, says he wants a "strong, credible, serious leader within the building to guide decisions in a far more conspicuous, open, transparent way... I think my highest priority is to have a stable figure that represents the voice that explains the decisions."

Notice, he's not looking for someone to make decisions, only to explain them. In other words, he needs someone to be a mouth-piece for a rich lunatic. To me, this sounds like the perfect job for the ghost of Bernie Kosar, who's been hanging around of late and could really use the extra loot.

The Browns' ineptitude has long been evident on the field, but now the rot has spread all the way up to the owner's box. This team is so bad they've driven a billionaire to madness, so maybe there's hope for America after all.

Robb Witmer Full has never been to Cleveland.