October 31, 2009

Transcript: Cochran's Intimate Sit-Down Celebrity Interviews

By Robb Witmer Full 

To combat the creeping cabin fever and winter-madness of a Daylight Saving Time snowstorm, the author has decided to revisit his video collection of rare, unaired, and ultimately-failed television pilots starring Cochran, a one-named non-celebrity.

The following is a partial transcript of the pilot episode of
Cochran's Intimate Sit-Down Celebrity Interviews. The show was targeted for an afternoon time-slot on the ESPN family of networks, likely as a companion to Jim Rome is Burning, though the connection to sports was dubious.

The program was not picked up.


[Cochran, in a cheap suit, enters from stage left to mild applause; camera pans over a two-thirds full studio audience]

COCHRAN: Thanks. Thank you so much. Wow, this is going to be fun.

[Cochran ducks a tomato thrown at him]

COCHRAN: Tough crowd. Okay, let's scrap the opening monologue and get straight to our fabulous celebrity guests! [applause] First up, we have everybody's favorite sperm factory, Levi Johnston!

[Levi Johnston enters from stage left, completely nude; Cochran and Johnston sit down facing each other from two love seats]

COCHRAN: Great to meet you, Levi.

JOHNSTON: Good to be here.

COCHRAN: [leans in, rests chin on hand] You're naked.

JOHNSTON: Yeah. You guys paid me to be naked.

COCHRAN: [puts hand on Johnston's thigh] We did. But I want to move on to something else. Your mom is famous?

JOHNSTON: Um, no. My baby-mama's mom ran for Vice President.

COCHRAN: Fascinating.

JOHNSTON: Of the United States. Then she quit her job as governor of Alaska so she could pretend to write a book and then get a cushy Fox News talk show in 2010... Your hand is still...

[Cochran laughs nervously, takes hand away]

COCHRAN: Didn't you float around in a balloon or something?

JOHNSTON: No, and I'm getting cold.

[a few nervous coughs from the audience]

COCHRAN: Look, kid, I'm going to be honest, I thought you were someone else. What do you say we cut our losses and you go put some clothes back on?

JOHNSTON: [shakes head, leaves stage left] What the hell?

COCHRAN: I think this show is going really well. How about our studio audience?

[camera pans to audience; most seats now empty, a few people are reading newspapers]

COCHRAN: Thanks to everybody who's still here. Our next guest is going to be so much fun. You know him as a World Series champion, I know him as my stock broker for the last four years, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my friend and yours, Lenny "Nails" Dykstra!

[Dykstra, wearing his old Phillies home uniform, enters from stage left to a slow-clap from one person]

DYKSTRA: What the fuck is this? I thought ESPN had some cheddar. [sits] This place looks like my bitch mom's basement.

COCHRAN: Lenny, how did you get so rich?

DYKSTRA: Bro, I don't know if you heard, but I'm not living the dream no more.

COCHRAN: Hmm. I see.

DYKSTRA: I've got nothing left. But it's not my fault. It was all the scumbags that I did business with for all those years, they stole all my money. My planes, my houses, my unicorns... Everything is gone.

COCHRAN: So the money I gave you to invest...

DYKSTRA: Oh, that's fine, bro. Are you fucking serious? [spits on floor] You've actually doubled your investment.

COCHRAN: What a relief.

DYKSTRA: Yeah, dude, you're all good. [snorts cocaine off of thumbnail] I just need like two grand to get it for you. It's complicated.

COCHRAN: Whoa, two grand? Do you take bad checks?

DYKSTRA: My empire was built on bad checks, bro.

[Cochran brings out checkbook, writes check, hands it to Dykstra]

DYKSTRA: Cool, dude. I'm gonna jet. [leaves stage left]

COCHRAN: Thanks, Len. Well, it looks like we have time for one more guest. [to audience] What do you say?

[a cricket seems to be loose in the studio]

COCHRAN: This is a big one, so without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, Regis Philbin!

[Cochran waits several seconds with a giant smile on his face; no Regis]

COCHRAN: Phil, do we have Regis? ... No? [sighs] That's it then? Ladies and gentlemen, sorry to tease you like that, but that is going to do it for the show this week...

[a glass bottle is thrown at Cochran and breaks behind him]

COCHRAN: What the...?

[the last two audience members begin throwing their chairs in the direction of the stage and chanting "Regis! Regis!"]

[the stage-hands and Cochran fight back]

[final four minutes of footage consists of unbridled rioting; gunshots heard right before tape cuts out]


Internal ESPN documents indicate that Cochran's Intimate Sit-Down Celebrity Interviews was produced as an April Fool's joke for an ESPN executive vice president, and resulted in seven arrests.

Robb Witmer Full could not be reached for comment.