October 10, 2009

A "Dr. Lou" Lost Episode

Behind the curtain at ESPN's smash hit.

By Robb Witmer Full

For the price of a run-of-the-mill hand-job, the author was able to obtain from a high-level intern (only roughly 5% of ESPN employees actually receive paychecks) the transcript of the latest discarded episode of "Dr. Lou."

According to internal ESPN documents — obtained from the same intern for the price of a very good hand-job — three episodes of "Dr. Lou" are actually filmed for every one that is aired.

"Dr. Lou" is usually coherent, even with his prescribed heavy-dependence on OxyContin and synthetic mescaline. However, there are times that his recreational addiction to intravenous adrenaline shots sometimes causes the program to not get by ESPN's standards and practices board.


DR. LOU: First, I'd like to start out by apologizing to my beautiful wife of a hundred and thirty-five years for waking her up early this morning with another one of my screaming fits. What can I say, sometimes I get these awfully vivid nightmares of self-cannibalization and it helps to scream bloody-murder until my balls hurt. Let's take our first call.

UNIDENTIFIED OLD MAN: Huh, who is this? What's on the phone here?

DR. LOU: You're on the air!

UNIDENTIFIED OLD MAN: What's going on? I'm taking a nap now.

DR. LOU: Ahh! It's my old friend, Bill Stewart, head coach of West Virginia. How're things?

BILL STEWART: What just happened?

DR. LOU: Don't worry 'bout it, Bill. Go back to bed. This reminds me of the time me, Joe Paterno and Bobby Bowden all took a boat trip down to Cuba to see the hemisphere's best Jimmy Buffet cover band. To make a long story short, we end up in a small jail cell in Miami, and they didn't allow naps. Tell that to us! Who's our next caller?

STEVE KRAGTHORPE: Hey, Doc, It's Steve Kragthorpe of Louisville. I've tried everything, but I still haven't been fired. I thought jerseys that say "The Ville" across the front would be the last straw, but even that didn't do it. What gives?

DR. LOU: Sometimes the self-loathing of your employer won't let them fire you, even when you're doing a terrible job. Trust me, I worked for Catholics! Thanks to you, Steve, Louisville is the new Syracuse, only with much worse uniforms. Have you tried letting a mule kick the field goals? It might not get you fired, but it sure would be a hoot. One more call.

RICH RODRIGUEZ: Hey, Dr. Lou, it's Rich-Rod. I'm glad you brought up self-loathing because I totally hate myself sometimes. Now our team is back to mediocrity and my quarterback is getting all the credit instead of my brilliant offensive schemes. Plus, he's a douche.

DR. LOU: Takes one to know one, Rich. The spotlight will be turned back to you soon enough. Things will go bad and the Michiganites will thirst for your blood. My old trick was always to dress up real pretty, like a lady. Sneak out the back and if anybody asks who you are, tell 'em you're married to the mayor. Oh, what the heck, one more call.

REGIS: Hey, Dr. Lou, it's Regis.

DR. LOU: Hot damn, Regis Philbin!

REGIS: Lou, you gotta ditch this show. Me. You. A sack of yeyo. Let's go, now. I'm outside.

DR. LOU: Well, my dear audience, you heard what Regis said. I've got a coke party to attend. Until next week!

[Dr. Lou leaves in a rush, knocking over two people and three pieces of furniture on his way out to Regis' Porsche.]


Robb Witmer Full is editor-at-large and co-founder of America-Thrust.