November 7, 2012

Romney's Hail Mary

PUSHMASTER PICKS '012: WEEK TEN

By ROBB WITMER FULL    
NOT EVEN DOUG FLUTIE HAD A CHANCE OF COMPLETING THIS PASS.


For the eighth consecutive season, the author is competing in the PushMaster Invitational Football Pool, the greatest gambling pool in the history of Sport. Every week players must make five picks against the point spread, college or pro, overs or unders.


Holy mother-shitting Jesus balls. Just when things were starting to go my way, I shit-tank my way to a 1-4 week, putting a .500 record a few more games out of reach. And while I’m busy rolling around in my pile of rage, it looks as though 4-1 records have become de rigueur around these parts, making my sub-winning record that much more sad.

But who’s crying? We all know — or, most of us know — that the Invitational is a long and dangerous slog, and the journey through it can be unkind at best, and castratingly painful at its worst. Three of my losses last week could have easily been wins if even one more play had gone in my direction, but that can hardly be surprising when you find teams like the Bengals and the Cowboys on your picks-sheet, teams that will find any and all ways to fuck over the near-mad Gambler.

Some are won, and some are lost, and sometimes you get a Push, the glory of which gives you roughly the same sense of accomplishment as Felix Baumgartner would have had if he’d landed on Earth in a totally sweet one-armed handstand.

There’s a real loneliness in losing, so you can imagine the immensity of the moment that Mitt Romney went through on Tuesday night. Talk about a Gambler’s Rush; that night, Romney sat in a room somewhere knowing that in a few hours he would walk out of that room either having to begin the hardest, most demanding job in the world, or having absolutely fucking nothing to do for the rest of his life.

I do feel sorry for all the Romney voters out there, not because their guy lost, but because they all had to spend the last six months pretending that they don’t hate Mitt Romney, an exceptionally hard thing to do for anybody. Republican primary voters weren’t wrong in deciding he was the least bad of the bunch, but nobody seriously thought he was going to win a national election.

But it’s not his fault, not really. The modern Republican party has become pure clown shoes. It’s not that they lost to better ideas from the Democrats, they lost because their entire party platform has been reduced to the intellectual equivalent of a Sarah Palin yard sign. Their ideology is a rolled-up tortilla with nothing inside, and they’re trying to sell to us as a burrito.

The GOP’s “Fire Bad!” politics is dying on the vine. In the age in which the Internet is the dominant cultural medium, even uneducated and underprivileged Americans have access to virtually unlimited information, and the Republicans tried to win a presidential election by being 100%, completely, and totally full of shit. Good one.

Small victories, America. Small victories.


WEEK TEN PICKS

LAST WEEK: 1-4-0 | SEASON: 20-25-0, 44.4% | LIFETIME: 342-323-20, 51.4%

OREGON (-28) v. Cal OVER (67.5)
The Ducks are motivated to continue to run up scores.

RAIDERS (+7.5) v. Ravens
The Ravens suck old balls.

Broncos v. PANTHERS (+4)
The Broncos are an 8 to 9 win team.

Falcons v. SAINTS (+2.5)
The Falcons have already peaked.

SportsBetting.ag, 2:06 PM EST, Tuesday


Robb Witmer Full (@robbwitmer) is the political correspondent for Sports-Thrust.