October 7, 2012

The Nation's Premier Horsebeef Restaurant

PUSHMASTER PICKS '012: WEEK FIVE

By ROBB WITMER FULL    
IS IT LUCK, OR HORSEBEEF?


For the eighth consecutive season, the author is competing in the PushMaster Invitational Football Pool, the greatest gambling pool in the history of Sport. Every week players must make five picks against the point spread, college or pro, overs or unders.


My winning percentage this season would be kind of funny if it didn’t make me want to drive a flaming school bus full of orphans into an active volcano. In a desperate attempt to shake things up, I’ve decided to wait till the weekend to make my picks in order to let the matchups settle in my mind, to allow any glaring weaknesses in my logic to show themselves.

It wasn’t until I was typing my picks out that I realized that I had picked five home teams. Instead of this being an indicator of certain doom, perhaps its a dawning of a new age of PushMaster Excellence for myself.

Hey, we all have a bad four week stretch every now and again. The key is to shake it off, not let it bring your season down. It’s nothing a gang of NFL home teams can’t fix.


WEEK FIVE PICKS

Last Week: 1-4-0 | Season: 6-14-0, 30.0% | Lifetime: 328-312-20, 51.3%

Packers v. COLT’S BAR & HORSEBEEF GRILLE (+7.5)
By going with the 5dimes lines this week, I gave up a point on the Patriots game in order to take the extra half point here. The thinking is that Colt’s probably needs more help than the Patriots do. We’ll see how that works out, though I do think the Nation’s Premier Horsebeef Restaurant (TM) has a legitimate shot at winning this game straight up. There’s just something up with this Packers team...

Bears v. JAGUARS (+5.5)
It would seem that the Jags are totally outmatched in this game, until you realize that “being outmatched” is something that doesn’t really exist in the NFL. Plus, how many non-shitty games can Cutler realistically have in a row?

Seahawks v. PANTHERS (-2.5)
The Seahawks are a cute little team. I wonder what Russell Wilson wants to be when he grows up.

Broncos v. PATRIOTS (-7.5)
After I declared the Patriots to be “over” a little more than halfway through last week’s game, Tom Brady went about the business of making me look clownish, which is exceptionally easy to do in the early part of this season. Well, the tables are now turned, Tom Brady is on my side, and he has a little message for the rest of you:



Chargers v. SAINTS (-3.5)
This is one of those picks that appeals to me BECAUSE it makes no goddamn sense.

5dimes.eu, 10:44 AM EDT, Saturday


Robb Witmer Full (@robbwitmer) has yet to have a winning week in the PushMaster Invitational, but it's only Week Five, so the orphans are safe for now.