October 4, 2012

NFL Week 5 Point Spread Breakdown


With October comes one of the most maddening aesthetic tics in all of sports: pink uniforms. We all know why we have to put up with these abominations, and that’s that slathering macho men in pink causes breast cancer to curl up in the corner and die of shame.

This trend now has so much inertia that it’s reaching the level of permanence that “singing God Bless America in honor of the fallen heroes of 9-11” at baseball games has been at for a couple of years now. Surely we can’t spend every Sunday seventh inning stretch for the rest of our lives musing over 9-11, but will anyone ever have the balls to stop this practice? Certainly no one who’s in the position to do so.

So here we are with pink all over the goddamn place, which I can live with once or twice a year. But for a whole month? Let’s use some simple math: NFL teams play sixteen games, with roughly four of those that will take place in October. That means that every season, for a full quarter of their games, teams are wearing pink as a substantial part of their uniforms. Ergo, pink is part of every team’s permanent color scheme. Are we supposed to be okay with that?

LAST WEEK: 9-5-1 | SEASON: 16-13-1, 55.2%

Cardinals (-1.5) v. Rams
No team in the league can melt minds quite like Arizona. The Cards are the leading cause of Gambling Insanity this year; The Rams have Jeff Fisher's mustache. Pick: RAMS (+1.5)

Browns v. Giants (-9)
The Giants are completely schizophrenic, and the Browns are delusional enough to not yet figure out how bad they really are. Pick: BROWNS (+9)

Packers (-7) v. Colts
There’s something wrong with the Packers. Seriously wrong. Can’t put my finger on what it is yet, but it’s there. What’s the money line on this game? Pick: COLTS (+7)

Eagles v. Steelers (-3.5)
Both of these teams have a lot of shit to work out, and neither of them is very good right now, but the Steelers need this game more than the Eagles do. Pick: STEELERS (-3.5)

Falcons (-3) v. Redskins
Washington is secretly happy with the two wins they already have, so while the Falcons will fall back to earth and lose in the next couple of weeks, this isn’t the game. Pick: FALCONS (-3)

Ravens (-6) v. Chiefs
The Chiefs are playing like they don’t want to be in the league any more. Maybe they shouldn’t be. Can we trade them to the SEC for Alabama? We’d even take Georgia or LSU if there are some future considerations thrown in to sweeten the deal. Pick: RAVENS (-6)

Dolphins v. Bengals (-4.5)
Is Ryan Tannehill a for-real NFL quarterback? No. Pick: BENGALS (-4.5)

Bears (-5.5) v. Jaguars
This makes no sense right? The Bears should be 7-9 point favorites here, so what’s the deal? The oddsmakers must smell a Cutler meltdown, and so do I. Pick: JAGUARS (+5.5)

Seahawks v. Panthers (-3)
This is as home-fieldy as a game can get. The Seahawks have no chance. Pick: PANTHERS (-3)

Bills v. 49ers (-9.5)
A part of me is waiting for the Niners to fall apart this year. It just feels like it’s going to happen. Truthiness, people. Pick: BILLS (+9.5)

Titans v. Vikings (-5.5)
Everything about this game screams overtime. If it doesn’t go into OT, my entire reality will come crashing down around me. Pick: TITANS (+5.5)

Broncos v. Patriots (-6.5)
This past weekend, with the Bills surging ahead to a 21-7 3rd quarter lead, I loudly declared to the pub-goers around me that the Patriots were “over.” Six New England touchdowns later, I was taking a flogging from every direction possible before I was thrown out of the bar for my own safety. Pick: PATRIOTS (-6.5)

Chargers v. Saints (-3.5)
How could the 0-4 Saints be favored against a 3-1 Chargers team? You are a cold, heartless bitch, NFL. Picks: SAINTS (-3.5)

Texans (-8) v. Jets
The Jets are turning into exactly the team I thought they would. Tebow Time is just around the corner — right on schedule — meaning a nose-dive is imminent for the Jets. The Texans are boring and predictable and good. Pick: TEXANS (-8)

Robb Witmer Full (@robbwitmerhas a winning percentage of 55.2% picking NFL games the past two weeks, but stands at 30% for the season in the PushMaster Invitational. Go figure.