September 21, 2012

The Inaugural Sports-Thrust NFL Gambling Checklist

By ROBB WITMER FULL    

THIS MAN IS NOT — REPEAT: NOT — RELATED TO REGIS.


Anyone who practices the slightest adherence to the Sports-Thrust mission statement recognises that the truest way to enjoy Football, particularly Professional Football, is through the prism of point spreads. Forget “entertainment purposes,” the devoted Sports-Thrust enthusiast is in this game to take as much money from their friends, colleagues, and personal bookies as is possible.

Here we break down and pick every game remaining on the Week 3 NFL schedule using the trademark Sports-Thrust skill and wit. Remember, readers, to bet wisely.


Rams v. Bears (-7)
The Bears got smacked down hard by the Packers last Thursday thanks to a typical Jay Cutler shitshow, but we can’t expect that sort of performance week after week. It’s hard to believe, but the Bears might have a real offense this year. If the Cutler-Marshall combo is humming, they should win this game by two touchdowns. If not, the Rams could back into another victory. Pick: Bears (-7)

Buccaneers v. Cowboys (-7)
Is the victory formation blow-up really worth talking about for days after the fact? Goddamn, give it a rest. The Cowboys are one of the best teams in the league; The Cowboys are a total disaster. Both of these things are true at varying points of every of the last ten seasons. The Buccaneers gave up 510 passing yards last week and only lost by seven, so it stands to reason they could give up 600-700 yards to Romo this week and the Cowboys could find a way to lose this game. Pick: Buccaneers (+7)

49ers (-7) v. Vikings
The 49ers are the champions of the first two weeks of the season, and the Vikings have played close games with the Colts and the Jaguars, so this spread should be closer to 14. The fact that it’s only 7 means that someone knows something that we don’t. Pick: Vikings (+7)

Lions (-3.5) v. Titans
The Titans have gotten shit-housed in the first two games of the season, and it looks like the Jake Locker experiment is a fabulous failure. However, the NFL’s reversion to mediocrity principle plays here, meaning the Titans — playing at home, outside against a dome team — will keep it close. Pick: Titans (+3.5)

Bengals v. Redskins (-3.5)
The Bengals looked like an offensive juggernaut against, of all teams, the Browns. The Redskins are coming off a 452-yard performance... by their defense. Take the ‘dog in this shootout. Pick: Bengals (+3.5)

Jets (-2.5) v. Dolphins
We are about a horse-hair away from this Tebow bullshit starting all over again, and the Dolphins feature an average College quarterback of their own in Tannehill. Did you know that the Dolphins’ head coach is a guy named Joe Philbin whose main claim to fame is that he’s not related to Regis? Pick: Dolphins (+2.5)

Chiefs v. Saints (-9)
If both of these teams revert to NFL mediocrity, the Saints still win this game by 20+ points. Pick: Saints (-9)

Bills (-3) v. Browns
Honestly, who knows? Is there anyone that can wrap their head around either of these teams? Go with the home ‘dog. Pick: Browns (+3)

Jaguars v. Colts (-3)
The Colts might sneak up on us and get 4-5 wins, and that dome is a huge advantage. We took a poll around the Sports-Thrust headquarters, and 69.7% of the staff thought that the Jaguars were no longer in the NFL. Pick: Colts (-3)

Eagles (-3.5) v. Cardinals
It is unfathomable that the Cardinals are 2-0. I would probably lay these points even if they were playing the Jaguars. Pick: Eagles (-3.5)

Falcons v. Chargers (-3)
Didn’t we stop paying attention to the Chargers four or five years ago? Would you bet your house on them starting the season 3-0? Me neither. Pick: Falcons (+3)

Texans (-2.5) v. Broncos
Peyton Manning has old balls. The Texans are the best team you’ve never heard of. Pick: Texans (-2.5)

Steelers (-4) v. Raiders
The Raiders have been a pesky team for the Steelers in the last seven years or so, and the Steelers are banged up all over the place, making this four-point spread seem reasonably small. Don’t be fooled. The Raiders will have some success throwing the ball, but still find a way to lose by at least a touchdown. Pick: Steelers (-4)

Patriots v. Ravens (-3)
Speaking of old balls, it looks like the Patriots are starting to show theirs. How else to explain the teabagging they received from the Cardinals last week? Pick: Ravens (-3)

Packers (-3) v. Seahawks
The Packers have a weird stink around them, like they walked through a strip club while covered in Band-Aids. The Seahawks are hard to figure out. One thing is obvious: this spread makes no sense. It feels like a trap no matter which team you pick. Strangely, we would feel better about taking the Pack if this was a 7-9 point line. Alas, Pick: Packers (-3)


Robb Witmer Full is an experienced gambler and has been professionally trained. Do not try this at home. Try this in Vegas instead. Follow his Twitter account for the supremest of wise-assery.