September 13, 2012

Donkey Salami Riding High

PUSHMASTER PICKS '012: WEEK TWO

By ROBB WITMER FULL    

THE BILLS' SEASON IS ALREADY A TOTAL WASTE OF TIME, BUT, DAMN, THOSE ARE SOME SNAZZY UNIFORMS.


For the eighth consecutive season, the author is competing in the PushMaster Invitational Football Pool, the greatest gambling pool in the history of Sport. Every week players must make five picks against the point spread, college or pro, overs or unders.


By halftime it was obvious that the New Jersey Jets had been saving everything they had for their week 1 matchup with the Bills, and coupled with the fact that Buffalo couldn’t do any goddamned thing right, the rout was on. The Jets even threw Tim Tebow in for a few plays to give the Bills an opportunity to capture some momentum with a dropped snap, or maybe an interception or two. It didn’t work.


It looks as though the Bills’ dream is dead. Unless Ryan Fitzpatrick can rustle up a little of the Frank Reich magic, this is going to end up another one of those seasons just as forgettable as the Ron Paul 2012 yard sign that will end up at the bottom of a 22-foot Buffalo snowdrift sometime this winter. Everything the Bills tried to do in this game they did wrong, and most of those wrongly-done things ended up as Jets touchdowns.

So I’m definitely not buying the Jets just yet. Mark “Donkey Salami” Sanchez had the game of his life on Sunday, and all he got out of it was a win at home against the Bills. It’s mighty tempting to eat the six points against them this week, but apparently blocking for Ben “Looked It Up” Roethlisberger is a lot like playing drums for Spinal Tap, so I’ll believe the Steelers are worth a damn when I see it.

Wait — what am I, fucking nuts? No sort of winning strategy would include betting against a team that is so obviously peaking. The fun part will be riding that avalanche on its way down the mountain as it swallows northern New Jersey and the surrounding suburbs whole.

In contrast to the Jets’ load-blowage, the beginning of my PushMaster Season was not exactly inspiring. Pitt came through for me in the no-brainer game of the week, and the ‘Cuse proved to be as pesky as advertised. Otherwise, it was a pretty lame start to the season.

The Washington pick was fucking stupid from the get-go. A totally overmatched team, on the road, travelling halfway across the country — we should all know better than to fall into that trap. I was mad at myself for taking it before I had even finished typing it out. The Tulane/Tulsa game was unfortunate for many reasons. That’s just one of those games it’s best to let go and forget.

But it’s only one week. It’s a long, long way to go before we even get to the Gauntlet, and a longer journey still once we finally descend into that pit of Gambling Bloodsport. The key to escaping with your Success and Sportsmanship intact is to make sure you enter with proper weapons and accurate maps. Cool sunglasses help too.


WEEK TWO PICKS

Last Week: 2-3-0 | Season: 2-3-0, 40.00% | Lifetime: 324-301-20, 51.84%

VIRGINIA TECH (-10) v. Pitt
Here’s a matchup of future “Big East 2: Electric Boogaloo” members. I’m not sure what to make of Virginia Tech. One thing I do know is that Pitt is capable of losing to anyone by ten or more points. Any respectable NCAA power ranking has to have them dead last right now.

TCU (-21) v. Kansas
Kansas is the Pitt of the Midwest, but with a Mangino in their recent history instead of a Yinzstachio. Charlie Weis is the coach there now. Awesome.

Colorado v. FRESNO STATE (-14)
If any team is going to give Pitt a run for their money as the worst team in Division 1-A football, it’s Colorado. After losing to Sacramento State last week, head coach Jon Embree said, "I'm sorry, and I'm going to do everything we can to make it right and fix it, just like I tried to do last week." Sounds like he’s got that shit on lock-down.

Notre Dame v. MICHIGAN STATE (-6)
The Fighting Irish are not believable as a top-20 team, like if Tony Danza was the star of a Redd Foxx biopic.

Browns v. Bengals UNDER (39)
The Browns can turn any game into The Most Boring Game Ever Played. I look for their vaunted “Plod-It-Out” offense to control this one.

JustBet.cx, 7:52 PM MDT, Tuesday


Robb Witmer Full's lifetime record of 324-301-20 is the fifth best of all time. He likes to brag about that on Twitter all goddamn day long.