January 14, 2012

Dana Holgorsen's Football... in... Space!

PUSHMASTER PICKS '011: WEEK NINETEEN

By ROBB WITMER FULL    

"WE'RE SERIOUSLY LOW ON RED BULL, GUYS. I'M DOWN TO A CASE AND A HALF."


“It’s not about how many plays you have, but how they fit together.” —Chris Brown, Smart Football 
By handing out an absolute ass-whipping in a BCS game, College Football’s new champions made quite a statement. No, not Alabama, the winner of the BCS exhibition boondoggle. I’m talking about the real champions.

Yeah, I’m talking about West Virginia. Didn’t you hear? There’s no subjective voter ranking, no computer bots giving us their opinions based on dubious math. It’s a simple formula: If you beat the Champs, then you are the Champs.

The lineage can be traced all the way back to the very first documented football game between Princeton and Rutgers. Follow it all the way to the end, and there you have the Mountaineers. King Shit of College Football's Fuck Mountain.

It’s like pro-wrestling, which means it’s awesome. On some level, it’s a pretty silly way to determine the champion of a sport like football, but we've already proven that the way we do it now is pretty freaking stupid as well.

The contrast between the Real Champions and the two teams playing in the BCS nightcap could not be more drastic. Alabama and LSU are two world-class defenses who staged a field goal-kicking competition in the timeslot where we were supposed to get a championship game.

Football, as everyone knows, is a copycat sport. So is this the future of college football, dominant defenses augmented by place-kicking prowess?

Lucky for us fans, the answer is an emphatic no. In fact, in today’s college game there only seems to be room for a couple of truly great defensive teams. It just so happens that our asinine championship process concluded they were the two best teams.

The future of Football, my friends, is in space, and there’s no better practitioner in the field of space football than West Virginia’s Dana Holgorsen.

The tenets of space football are easy to understand. You get a dynamic player or three on your offense, get them the ball in open space, and let the magic happen.

The quintessential space back in the NFL is Darren Sproles, and teams like the Saints and Patriots exploit open areas in the defense better than anyone. Caveman offenses like the Bettis-era Steelers, or the current Broncos, are already a thing of the past. We’re living in space now, bitches.

The specifics of space football are also incredibly simple, at least in the Air Raid style that Holgorsen employs. Dude’s got like twelve plays. It took three days to install the offense when he got to WVU. The most important aspect to Holgerson’s offense: practice, practice, practice.

Why make this any more complicated than it has to be? Anyone who’s played video-game football knows that there are five to ten plays that work on a regular basis when called at the appropriate time, so why stick other horseshit in there? To be cute? Fuck that.

Holgorsen, Sean Payton and other space football savants create space on the field through play-calling. They understand that you can make defenses your bitches with a well-timed screen play, which could very well be called in the first quarter but is really a set-up for a play in the third quarter where suddenly Tavon Austin is catching the ball with no defenders within fifteen yards. Simple and deadly.

Before you know it, your team has called only eight different plays, but in a sequence that puts up seventy points in a BCS game. Eat that, ‘Bama.

My favorite thing about Holgorsen, though, has to be his offensive relentlessness. Did you see the last two minutes of the first half of the Orange Bowl? Getting those two late touchdowns to put the Mountaineers at Forty-nine points at halftime was a savagely brilliant, mafia-style double-tap to the head.

And what did he say coming out at half-time, with a lead of 49-20? “We’re going to run our offense.” Awesome.

SAINTS (-4) v. 49ers
Wasn’t it the Saints’ coach who got everyone all in a tizzy because he wanted to live in Texas or something? Wow, who gives a fuck, right?

Broncos v. PATRIOTS (-14)
This is a lot of points, and the Pats have that choke-stink around them again this year. I obviously don’t care. New England is currently playing back-up landscapers in their defensive backfield, but I’m assuming they aren’t going to let Ike Taylor cover the entire secondary by himself for the whole game.

TEXANS (+9) v. Ravens
After all four home teams covered easily last week, I’ve gone and done the smart thing and picked three road teams.

GIANTS (+9) v. Packers
The Giants win this game. Sounds crazy, but it’s true. Deal with it, America. (Moneyline: about Giants +300)

Giants v. Packers OVER (52.5)
Lining up five whole numbers proved an impossibility at the time of my pick-making, so here’s a halfsy over/under. This game has “under” written all over it. What a stupid fucking pick.

BOVADA.lv, Tuesday, 11:58 PM MST


Robb Witmer Full doesn't know what he'll do with his time when the Football season is over. He'll probably spend most of it on Twitter.