December 31, 2011

The Seventeen Days of Bowl Week




The first seven or eight days of Bowl Week are pretty okay, but the last four this year are totally balls-to-the-wall with non-stop College Football action from dawn to dusk. Even having spent most of yesterday half-asleep and completely non-lucid with some mysterious illness, there’s still plenty of time to indulge myself in the giant hornswoggle that is the College Football post season.

Don’t worry about me, dear readers. I heal at about the same rate as James “Logan” Howlet, so I’m already as good as new and better than most. All it takes is a lot of sleep and a few herbs, and I’m A-OK.

Well, it was actually just one herb. The picks this week? These are piping-hot pushes if I’ve ever seen them. And I have. (I’ve been to R.J.’s house a bunch of times.)

Bills v. Patriots OVER (50)
Jeez, this number should be closer to 100 than to 50. Prediction: 48-35.

49ers v. Rams UNDER (35)
...and this should be a lot closer to 1 than to 35. Prediction: 13-0.

CHIEFS (+3) v. Broncos
Supposedly Tebow is an alternate to the Pro Bowl, which is a supremely high honor considering he’s about the tenth or eleventh best quarterback in the conference, not counting injured players, naturally... Talk about a hornswaggle. Has a player this mediocre ever been pushed so forcefully down our throats? Even if the Broncos manage to back into the playoffs, it will have been against a last-place schedule in the worst division in the league.

Wisconsin v. OREGON (-6)
I was thinking I’d be giving up a few less points, but this is still a solid pick.

Stanford v. OKLAHOMA ST. (-4)
As much as I would love to ride Andrew “Horsebeef” Luck all the way to the end, Oklahoma State is the tits this year., 10:51 AM MST, Saturday

Robb Witmer Full spends most of Bowl Week in a bunker he calls the PushMaster Command Center, with Twitter as his only contact with the outside world.