December 31, 2011

The Seventeen Days of Bowl Week

PUSHMASTER PICKS '011: WEEK SEVENTEEN

By ROBB WITMER FULL    

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, KYLE ORTON.


The first seven or eight days of Bowl Week are pretty okay, but the last four this year are totally balls-to-the-wall with non-stop College Football action from dawn to dusk. Even having spent most of yesterday half-asleep and completely non-lucid with some mysterious illness, there’s still plenty of time to indulge myself in the giant hornswoggle that is the College Football post season.

Don’t worry about me, dear readers. I heal at about the same rate as James “Logan” Howlet, so I’m already as good as new and better than most. All it takes is a lot of sleep and a few herbs, and I’m A-OK.

Well, it was actually just one herb. The picks this week? These are piping-hot pushes if I’ve ever seen them. And I have. (I’ve been to R.J.’s house a bunch of times.)

Bills v. Patriots OVER (50)
Jeez, this number should be closer to 100 than to 50. Prediction: 48-35.

49ers v. Rams UNDER (35)
...and this should be a lot closer to 1 than to 35. Prediction: 13-0.

CHIEFS (+3) v. Broncos
Supposedly Tebow is an alternate to the Pro Bowl, which is a supremely high honor considering he’s about the tenth or eleventh best quarterback in the conference, not counting injured players, naturally... Talk about a hornswaggle. Has a player this mediocre ever been pushed so forcefully down our throats? Even if the Broncos manage to back into the playoffs, it will have been against a last-place schedule in the worst division in the league.

Wisconsin v. OREGON (-6)
I was thinking I’d be giving up a few less points, but this is still a solid pick.

Stanford v. OKLAHOMA ST. (-4)
As much as I would love to ride Andrew “Horsebeef” Luck all the way to the end, Oklahoma State is the tits this year.

BetOnline.com, 10:51 AM MST, Saturday


Robb Witmer Full spends most of Bowl Week in a bunker he calls the PushMaster Command Center, with Twitter as his only contact with the outside world.