December 3, 2011

Murder Coin!!

PUSHMASTER PICKS '011: WEEK THIRTEEN

By ROBB WITMER FULL    

BETTING ON DAN ORLOVSKY IS A SURE SIGN OF GAMBLING INSANITY.


Going 0-5-0 in Week Twelve of the PushMaster Invitational not only completely ended the author’s chances of finishing in the money in the Internet’s most exclusive Football picks league, but also sent his winning percentage for the season to depths hardly seen in the Invitational’s long and exquisite history.


Ugh. What a season, eh? I can’t say for sure what’s happened to me and my Football pickery this year. I’m not this horrible, I swear. I have a lifetime record over fifty percent! That’s winning!

But this season’s 38.6% is rather deflating, for both my picking confidence and my swagger... Forget any and all goals I’ve set for myself this season — first place, finishing in the money, surpassing R.J.’s lifetime winning percentage, even the PushMaster crown — now I’m just trying to salvage a smidge of dignity.

Sitting below 39% after sixty picks, for a player who’s made all five picks every single week, that has to be a record for PushMaster futility, no? I’m putting it to R.J., the official PushMaster statistician, to find out for sure.

To be honest, my strategy for this year has been a hodgepodge of pure bull-shit, hog-wash and lunaticery, so I only have myself to blame. I truly thought I could get by simply on good looks and charm, with a dash of wit thrown in as a garnish.

Instead, I got a harsh reminder that the PushMaster Invitational is the gruffest bitch around.

New Mexico v. BOISE STATE (-49)
...because this is really the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. Laying seven touchdowns, while being the clear sign of a madman, is also an overt cry for help. But knowing you bastards, we’re more likely to get a commemorative coin in honor of a murder before that help ever comes... Oh, wait, that's already happened.

Virginia Tech v. CLEMSON (+7)
Taking Clemson plus seven against Virginia Tech was one of my few victories this year, so I’m going with the exact same pick in the rematch. These teams are on opposite trajectories, so at first glance this seems like a stupid pick, but methinks Clemson will hang in and at least keep it close.

COLT’S BAR & DANCE-HALL (+20) v. Patriots
It’s always a goal of mine to pick more NFL games than College, mostly because I hate watching any Professional Football that doesn’t involve the Pittsburgh Steelers. That way I won’t let my emotions (read: rage) get in the way of my point-spread opinions. The problem is that I, like most Serious Sports Fans, thrive on rage and am addicted to it like it’s some sort of emotional adrenaline shot to the heart, so I can’t help myself from picking College games that might be fun to watch. Consider this week a step in the right direction on that front...

Speaking of rage, I haven’t been able to direct much toward the Colts — er, Colt’s — this season, what with their general lameness in seemingly every aspect of the game. I still think they’re going to win a game or two — it’s the NFL damnit. This isn’t likely to be the one, but in the name of Professionality the boys of everyone’s favorite gay bar and dance-hall will manage to only be slightly embarrassed by the Pats, who will probably start nodding off at halftime from sheer boredom.

Broncos v. VIKINGS (-1)
The Broncos have managed to have some success the past few weeks, despite playing without a quarterback, thanks to some great play by their offensive line and defense. The Vikes cut McNabb earlier this week, which is worth three points on its own, plus the two points playing against Tebow is worth. This is what we call VALUE, people! Pay attention! [Author’s note: If you know what’s good for you, you won’t pay attention to this claptrap.] I was going to look up who the quarterback for the Vikings is before I realized that I don’t give a shit.

Lions v. SAINTS (-9)
The Saints are getting into a groove just as the Lions start to implode. In other news, I predict the Giants will beat the Packers this week. I was going to pick them, but I completely forgot about that game until right now. (read: bet your house on the Packers)

Spreads courtesy of MGM-Mirage-Exxon-Mobil, 11:29 PM MST, Thursday


Robb Witmer Full is about two 1-4 weeks away from being locked up for good in either the William J. Lepetomaine Hospital for the Gamblingly Insane or the Dr. Clayton Forrester Shock Therapy Institute. Get up-to-the-second updates of his mental health on Twitter.