December 9, 2011

Brilliant Like a Horse

PUSHMASTER PICKS '011: WEEK FOURTEEN

By ROBB WITMER FULL    

T.J. YATES? SURE, WHATEVER.


I’m just now managing to collect myself from what was quite the bender, spending nearly four days celebrating my glorious 3-2 record of last week, thus hanging onto my last shred of dignity for at least seven more days.

The only way to commemorate such a momentous occasion was, naturally, a tour of Horsebeef Country, USA, now that horse meat is once again legal for human consumption.

Yes, that trip was as crazy as it sounds. My shirtless friend Beef (irony!) and I plowed through at least two horses apiece during our three-day excursion, and the appropriate amount of cheap American lager to wash it down. If you’ve never had deep-fried horse legs, I suggest — no, I demand that you go immediately to the Deep Plains of Nebraska and get yourself a bucket of those mouth-watering meat sticks.

Well, enough about horsebeef. For now anyways. We have an honest-to-god Sports Disaster taking place before our very eyes! The current BCS system AS WE KNOW IT may well be coming apart at the seams. Brace yourselves, America.

The BCS falls several notches below horsebeef on my personal list of likes, so if it collapses once and for all, we should all be better for it. But what are we getting in its place? Playoffs? The old bowl system? Horse-leg eating-competitions between head coaches (my preference)?

We all know the current system is fucked. It’s like a 10-team playoff with only one round. It’s completely pointless and does a somehow-lamer job of giving us what we’re told is a National Champion.

The old bowl system may have been pointless, but at least it was pointless with a purpose. It had style, tradition, a certain elegance in its clumsiness. The games themselves were as senseless as the bowls are now, but at least there were less of them.

It’s not hard to see what trick they’re up to. The big dogs in the fight for all the College Football money are tired of a Boise State or TCU sneaking in and getting what is rightfully theirs. And, even more offensively, the Big East is GUARANTEED a spot in a big-time, big money game. That shit can’t last.

Who wants to take bets as to whether San Diego State or Boise State ever play a game in the Big East? Or whether the Big East will even exist as a football conference beyond 2014? The way it’s looking now, it’s likely to be broken up using domestic terrorism laws in order to protect all Sports Fans from lifelong trauma.

Thanks to various lawsuits and congressional inquiries, the BCS can’t just kick the Big East out on their asses where they belong without adding another shit-ball conference, so now they’re looking to fake their own death in order to collect the TV money all for themselves.

It’s brilliant. Brilliant like a horse.

COLT’S BAR & DANCE-HALL (+17) v. Ravens
Speaking of horses, is it crazy to think that the Colt’s will win this one? Kind of, but we know the Ravens are capable of losing it. With the seventeen points, and with Dan Orlovsky, this is money in the bank. As for what kind of money, ask Cochran. He’s the one who drew it for me.

Falcons v. PANTHERS (+3)
You don’t just waltz into Carolina and get a victory. Not today. Not ever.

PATRIOTS (-9) v. Redskins
This is usually the point in the season where the ‘Skins have given up on life, and thus, the season. My prediction of Charlie Weis being the 2012 Redskins coach won’t pan out thanks to recent events, so it looks like it’s Art Shell’s job to lose.

TEXANS (+3) v. Bengals
The aforementioned Mr. Beef has recently sent me mail that was properly postaged, correctly addressed, expertly mailed, but still never arrived, and was inexplicably returned to him. This made me think about the mailman situation around the neighborhood, and I realized that it wasn’t too long ago that we got a new mailman. This new guy is clearly still learning the ropes, and I hold out hope that he’s going to be the best goddamned mailman I’ve ever had, but it finally hit me today what happened to the last guy: He’s playing quarterback for the Texans.

BEARS (+3.5) v. Broncos
“There’s no way in hell that no matter how [Tebow] plays, or how successful his teams are, he won't be overrated and overexposed.” —Me, October 21, 2011

“Tebow might be a true revelation” —Headline on FoxSports.com, December 5, 2011
On another note, the Bears are turning into a joke, and a hilarious one at that. The rumors around here are that Brett Favre AND Bo Jackson are staging comebacks in order to lead Chicago to a Wild Card playoff loss. This is the week, however, that I think the Broncos learn that luck is not a skill.

Maybe Tebow’s real miracle is that every team he plays against is a complete disaster in one way or another. Look for a major injury to Tom Brady this week, in other words. Q: If the Broncos lose their last four games, will the Tebow narrative become that he “finds ways to lose?” A: No, it’s probably Willis McGahee’s fault.

Locally-grown lines hand-picked from bodog.eu at 2:14 PM MST on Thursday afternoon.


Robb Witmer Full does not often have problems with his mail delivery, but when he does, you can be sure he'll Tweet about it like it's the end of the world.