November 10, 2011

Occupy JoePa!!

PUSHMASTER PICKS '011: WEEK FIVE

By ROBB WITMER FULL    

LET'S SEE, SHOULD WE PROTEST ECONOMIC INJUSTICE TONIGHT, OR HEAD OVER TO THAT RALLY THAT'S INDIRECTLY IN SUPPORT OF PEDOPHILIA? GUYS? 


Anybody want to touch the Penn State game this week? Not me. Not with Cochran’s dick.

The weird thing is, JoePa asked to be part of the PushMaster Invitational this year, and if we hadn’t been smack-up against the Strict Twenty-Five Player Limit, he forshuradly would have been admitted. He seemed to have both the Sportsmanship and the Success required of us, the Select Few. Alas, he turned out to be no better than the goddamn Pope.

Paterno’s best alibi is that he is a bumbling coot that doesn’t really have any idea what’s going on around him -- a believable scenario -- but even that won’t cut it in this case. This is is a prime example of why it’s a good reason to have someone in charge who DOES have some sort of idea of what’s going on around him.

It’s perfectly conceivable, for example, to imagine this sort of thing could have gone on in Bill Stewart’s breakfast nook and he’d have no idea about it, so it’s probably best he’s moved on to greener pastures, literally.

Maybe ol’ JoePa does have a few marbles left upstairs afterall, not that he’d want us to know about them now. That would bring the parallels to the Catholic Church and Penn State Football further into focus.

As I type this, the students in State College are marching in the streets and flipping news vans, supposedly in the name of Paterno and his legacy. But I used to frequent State College around the turn of the century. Not as a student, but more as a, um, let’s say tourist.

In my experience, State College is on the brink of being burned to the ground at every moment the students are in town. I have personally been a part of no less than a dozen riots in and around the campus.

While only a handful involved flipping over news and/or police vehicles, all of them had two big things in common: 1. Fire, and lots of it; and 2. the fact that the riot was about absolutely fucking nothing.

Penn State is just one of those schools where the students like to get Ripping Drunk and toss around a little furniture, maybe some hot-dog carts. That’s just how it is. The fact that two-hundred TV cameras were already in town just made this week’s Wednesday Riot that much more fun.

Not too many of these fuck-heads care whether or not JoePa is fired. Most of them are so blacked-out drunk they won’t remember how raging their night got after 50-cent pitchers down at Shooters.

It’s probably for the best, though. Instead of just embarrassing themselves like usual, they’re managing to embarrass an entire University. With the help, of course, of the media missing the mark. Big surprise.


Oklahoma St. v. Texas Tech OVER (79.5)
Sweet merciful crap, this is a lot of points. As in a touchdown every 5.3 minutes. That’s almost too much to keep up with, but thankfully I plan on drinking two-and-a-half gallons of coffee while I’m watching this game. That will end well.

West Virginia v. Cincinnati OVER (66.5)
The Big East is living down to its potential, which is saying a lot. An interesting play here would be West Virginia, whatever the spread is, since the conference has a long and consistent history of its best team laying an egg the first chance they get. I can’t jump that emotional hurdle this week, so I’ll take Big Points. West Virginia’s defense keeps managing to surprise me with their suckiness, and the offense can keep it together sometimes. Cincy? They just beat Pitt by three. Sounds like they suck.

ARIZONA (-10.5) v. Colorado
The Wildcats are 2-7, with one of those wins coming against Div-1AA Northern Arizona, and they’re on a two-game losing streak, so naturally they are laying ten-and-a-half on the road. Against Colorado this seems reasonable.

Oregon v. STANFORD (-3.5)
I have to take this pick because I’m picking Stanford until they do me wrong, but this one was tough. Ah, what the hell. With the whole Andrew-Luck-is-my-Jesus thing, this will probably be a four-point win for the Cardinal in 75 overtimes. Figure that out.

Ravens v. SEAHAWKS (+7)
This makes no sense, which means it makes GOBS of sense. The Ravens put so much juice into their games against the Steelers that I’m thinking they don’t have enough juice to beat the Seahawks convincingly. The Seahawks don’t have much in the juice department, but how will their juice stack up against the Ravens’ juice? Only the Jesus of Juice knows for sure. [Author’s note: the Jesus of Juice is Wilford Brimley.]

Lines procured from the charming gentlemen (and -ladies, presumably) at 5Dimes.com, on Tuesday, at eleven of-the-clock, in the PM, during the dawn of this year’s Mountains’ Standard Time.


Robb Witmer Full is at 20-22-3 in the PushMaster Invitational Football Pool, a football pool which has stood the Tests of Time to remain the Premierest of All! Follow him on Twitter. It's totally worth it.