November 17, 2011

Horsebeef Meme

PUSHMASTER PICKS '011: WEEK ELEVEN

By ROBB WITMER FULL    

WE'RE ALL GOING TO WATCH THE JETS/BRONCOS GAME FOR THE SUPERIOR QUARTERBACK PLAY, AREN'T WE?


After going on a run of 15-9-1 to get himself back into the thick of things in the PushMaster Invitational, the most exclusive football pool in the history of the Interwebs, the author’s Week Ten mark of 1-4-0 sank him into a tie for twenty-second place out of twenty-five Players.

While this effectively ends his bid for a second Invitational Championship, he remains in the lead for the title of PushMaster, bestowed upon the Player with the most number of Pushes for the season.



I’m afraid it’s time to admit it’s over, that the dream is dead. In a make or break week, I sputter out a 1-4 record and slip into Invitational oblivion. Last week was my Tim Tebow pass to the flat: elbow-first and floaty.

There comes a time in almost every player’s season when it becomes more of an extended requiem than a race to victory. For serious Players it’s like watching, helplessly paralyzed, as the vultures overhead swoop down and eat you alive, feet first, all the way up to the brain.

Not to be melodramatic. There are still things to play for. The Integrity and Sportsmanship instilled in the Invitational and its Players runs much deeper than a single season, or even monetary winnings. Success can be found in every cranny of the PushMasterverse.

Going for the PushMaster crown goes without saying. Not only is it the only conceivable way to make a little Football Dough this year, the Glory associated with it is second only to that reserved for Reality-TV champions, and with far less degradation to go along with it.

And I’ve got RJ in my sight. That’s right, Reej, I’m gunning for you and your monstrous 52.0 lifetime winning percentage. (I am, however, humbled by your thirty lifetime Pushes. You, Sir, are truly a PushMaster!)

My last goal for the year: PushMaster: The Musical!

JETS (-6) v. Broncos
Two completions last week? In a win? There’s no way that’s right. Will someone please re-watch the game tape and count them again. I’m thinking Tebow will have to complete at least three passes to beat the Jets, but that could be asking a lot of the guy. The only way it happens is if the Broncos return to their dump-off based offensive strategy, which worked to perfection against the Dolphins. The Jets are up and down, but you have to think the Defense is licking their proverbial collective chops at the chance to play against a quarterback who can only throw the ball fifteen yards down the field... See how I wrote all that like I watch the NFL or something.

Nebraska v. Michigan OVER (51)
It seems like at least half of Michigan’s offensive possessions end in either an amazing Denard Robinson touchdown, or an embarrassing Denard Robinson turnover. Their games never stop being fun because the ball is always rolling, flying, or bouncing into somebody’s hands... A three-and-a-half point spread means the books are making this out to be about 27-24... I’m thinking more like 45-42.

Lsu v. OLE MISS (+29)
This is a total mis-match, but a four touchdown victory would be enough to satisfy the Tigers, and I’d still get a win, though a twenty-nine point Push would be a tough Nutt to crack. Get it?

Usc v. Oregon UNDER (67)
It feels like Overs are a little played-out these days. I hate how any time you go out to get coffee, or a beer, and the place is filled with ironic mustaches, skinny jeans, and Overs. Fuck all that. My Contrarian roots are starting to grow back out. Plus I lost on two Over picks last week, so fuck ‘em.

Cal v. STANFORD (-18)
If Stanford hadn’t gotten shit-hammered by Oregon last week this number would probably be a smidge higher, rivalry game or not. The Cardinal did get exposed a little last week, but it’s also true that the team that beat them is exceptional, and sometimes that stuff happens. Nevertheless, I did destroy my Andrew “Horsebeef” Luck shrine in the PushMaster Command Center. My messiahs are bound to a strict what-have-you-done-for-me-lately policy.

SBGGlobal.com, 1:36 PM MST, Wednesday. Can we make “Horsebeef” Andrew Luck’s nickname? It just fits him so well. Wouldn’t it be great if an NFL star had the nickname “Horsebeef,” and that nickname started here, on the PushMaster Invitational? I’m going to need your help, Players. Internet Meme starts......... NOW!!


Robb Witmer Full is the football picks-league corespondent for SPORTS-THRUST!!. If you would like to defend Joe Paterno against his merciless attacks, do so on Twitter. You wouldn’t be the first..