November 3, 2011

Carving Horse-Shit Into Discobolus

PUSHMASTER PICKS '011: WEEK NINE

By ROBB WITMER FULL    

WHY IS THIS MAN SMILING? FROM THE LOOKS OF IT, IT'S BECAUSE HE'S ON A HEAD FULL OF ACID. AND HE COVERS SPREADS LIKE A GREEK GOD.


Following a 1-4-0 record in Week Seven of the PushMaster Invitational Football Pool, the author decided to abandon his so-called Strategy of Assery for his Week Eight picks and go back instead to using his superior Football acumen, which has led to one Invitational championship already.

It worked to the tune of a 4-1-0 record, and while he remains deeply entrenched in the bottom-half of the Invitational’s considerably talented pack, the author’s confidence has begun to rise.



Unfortunately, it looks like Big East football is going to find a way to hang on for a few more years, albeit in a very sad iteration. The departing West Virginia is the only perennially competitive program the conference has, and both Pitt and Syracuse have enough history that it always at least seemed like they should, or could, be consistently top-25 teams.

Those three schools were the only reason Big East football has been taken as seriously as it has, which is not very. Losing them should have finally given the conference the Gift of Death that sports enthusiasts all across the country have been praying for.

Not so fast, says John Marinatto. He’s going to carve this lump of horse-shit into the Big East version of Discobolus if it fucking kills him. And it will.

Without Boise State -- which, in my opinion, should run away from the Big East like it has airborne leprosy -- the most impressive program in the conference becomes... Um... Who exactly? Rutgers? Cincinnati? Connecticut? Louisville? South Florida?

Yeah, that’s all that’s left, and those teams have won a grand total of Jack and Shit. South Florida and Connecticut have about twenty combined years of Division 1-A football between them. Any new additions that aren’t named Boise State play in C-USA and its ilk for good reasons.

There is no way in hell this conference should keep its BCS AQ spot. How exactly is a Big East with Boise State that much more prestigious than a WAC or Mountain West with Boise State?

I guess it all comes down to what ESPN thinks about it...

USC (-21) v. Colorado
About once a year, Colorado manages to get up for a game and surprise somebody, but what I’m thinking is that they already had that game when they were competitive with Washington State for almost a whole game. Yeah, this team is that bad. Lane Kiffin will probably be using this game as an opportunity to work out some Personal Bullshit, which he has by the truckful.

Northwestern v. NEBRASKA (-17.5)
Didn’t look into this game or these teams too closely, it just seems like Nebraska should cover this.

STANFORD (-21) v. Oregon St.
Andrew Luck pulled out a miracle cover for me last week, so I’m sticking with my own personal Jesus H. (Horsebeef; little known fact) Christ. If last week’s game isn’t proof that Stanford is on a Mission From God, then I don’t know what is. [Author’s note: There is no God.]

Kansas St. v. Oklahoma St. OVER (69)
Oklahoma St. scores a lot of points, so this pick comes down to whether or not K-State can keep up and stay in this one. Unless it’s a 24-20 type of game, in which case this pick comes down to me being a dumbass.

Broncos v. RAIDERS (-8)
The only thing I’m worried about here is that Tebow gets yanked around half-time or so, giving the Broncos a chance to keep it close. Carson Palmer has had a few more days to remember how to play football, so the Raiders should play better than their last time out. And let’s be honest here, a team doesn’t lose 45-10 just because their quarterback sucks.

Lines courtesy of Caesars-Hilton, 10:58 PM MDT, Wednesday


Robb Witmer Full is on a hot streak now, so look out! Get a peek into his brain, and find out why many call him “The Sensemaker," on the Twitters.