October 21, 2011

The Age of Tebow

By Robb Witmer Full  |  October 21, 2011


In the previous two weeks of the PushMaster Invitational Football Pool the author amassed a 7-2-1 record, putting him within three victories of .500, and keeping him in the race for his second Invitational Championship in seven years.

With his confidence growing, and his Gambling Insanity subsiding, the author decided for the third week in a row to make his picks blindly, without knowing the spreads and in some cases not knowing the opponent.

How glorious it was to come home from work last night to find the big, gleaming, shit-smearing face of Tim Tebow looking back at me from the cover of ESPN: The Magazine, a publication I reluctantly enjoy.

Hopefully, in a few weeks the decision to put him on the cover and declaring a new era of professional football that begins this Sunday will look as stupid as devoting the ENTIRE NFL preview issue to Michael Vick (true).

I never understood the Tebow Thing. At all. In college he was good, yeah, but not as good as Pat White, say, but he played for Florida and won a lot, so he’s popular. I get that.

But watching him play football is not exactly the ethereal experience people (read: ESPN) make it out to be. He could run some people over and make some good plays. Okay. That’s cool. White, though? He was electrifying. He made Denard Robinson look like a rube.

What made Tebow the figure he is was The Speech. The one where he yelled at his teammates in the locker room about something. I don’t remember when it was, or what it was about -- because I don’t care -- but I do have vague memories of an almost instantaneous transformation from football player to Deity.

From then on every time Tebow got hit hard on a one-yard gain, or made an above-average throw on an out pattern, it was about Something Else. Tebow’s balls have been in ESPN’s mouth ever since.

What are the chances he becomes an Elite Quarterback? Not good. Chances for stardom? It’s almost guaranteed. It’s already happened.

There’s no way in hell that no matter how he plays, or how successful his teams are, he won't be overrated and overexposed. And so long as he puts up good Fantasy Football numbers, he will be an American Legend.

Tebow is a prime example of one of the myriad reasons I try to ignore professional football as much as possible and direct my football obsessions toward the College Game: At least then you only have to put up with these assholes for four years, tops.


WEST VIRGINIA (-14) v. Syracuse
The Mountaineers’ loss to Syracuse last year was what probably finally doomed Bill Stewart, sending him into exile to his solid-gold stick-whittlin’ hut in the West Virginia mountains. They have no business winning this game by anything less than twenty-eight points, and if this spread isn’t covered I will be calling for the firing of Oliver Luck and Dana Holgorsen within twenty-four hours.

Oklahoma State v. Missouri OVER (69.5)
This way I can roll out of bed, turn on the second half, and have some points to root for while I’m having breakfast.

OVER IN WHICHEVER GAME IS ON ABC IN MY AREA AT 6 P.M. MDT (63) [Washington v. Stanford]
Both of these games looked like Total Picks. I could have gone with Stanford again, but that’s been working out a little too well for me to stay with it. It would make way too much sense, and that, my friends, flies directly in the face of my new Out-of-my-Ass Strategy.

Enough. I’m already sick of this bull-shit.

The last time I picked games like this the Falcons/Over popped into my head, if I remember correctly, and it did again. Not sure if it worked out before, but this time it feels like a solid pick because I checked, they are playing... Come to think of it, wouldn’t the continued success of the Strategy of Assery in a way disprove the strategy itself. PushMasterians, discuss.

SBGGLOBAL.com, 2:27 P.M. MDT, Friday, in my pajama pants even though I’ve already been out of the house today and plan on leaving again.

Robb Witmer Full is barely scraping by with a 12-15-3 record in the PushMaster Invitational. Not the worst record, but not exactly surging toward victory either.