October 25, 2011


By Robb Witmer Full  |  October 25, 2011


The football season is reaching make-or-break time and the author responded by posting a disappointing 1-4-0 record in Week Seven of the PushMaster Invitational Football Pool, referred to those in the know as simply “The Invitational.”

This put the author in 22nd place out of 25 players and reduced his chances of winning the ultimate Jackpot to roughly that of a Jm J. Bullock comeback that doesn’t involve a reality show about hand-jobs.

To make matters worse, the author’s final game of the week to be decided was Tim Tebow’s comeback win against the Miami Dolphins.

There’s not a lot else that needs to be said, eh? That sign manages to totally sum up the state of our Country and our Culture, but more than that it perfectly encapsulates my PushMaster Season.

A fourteen point favorite getting hammered by almost thirty the other way? That shit is fucked-up. Tim Tebow bringing the Broncos back from a fifteen-point fourth quarter deficit? That shit is bull-shit.

I probably deserved the last one. The brief instant the on-sides kick was between Marlon Moore’s hands was probably as close as the Dolphins will come to a win all year. Wait, do they play the Rams?

Never forget, though, that bad teams cover spreads too. The point spreads are there for a reason, which is to drive me to madness.

A .500 record by mid-point of the PushMaster season is usually a reasonable thing to shoot for if one is to have a chance at the top spot. That means I’ve got to make up six games in fifteen picks before I aim strictly for pushes. That’s a lot of winning. Not sure if I have it in me.

That’s all theoretical anyway. Even if I fire off a 10-4-1 record to break even, then what? This is where the math gets mind-melting. To get over a 60% mark from there would take roughly 33 wins in my last fifty picks, given my current rate of Pushing. That is an insane wining percentage. 43-17-5 in my last sixty-five picks? Good lord.

At least it’s not any dumber than acid-wash.


Michigan St. v. NEBRASKA (-4)
This is a perfect example of a Blown-Load pick, as in Michigan State blasted Wisconsin in the face with a last-second Hail Mary.

Washington St. v. OREGON (-36.5)
The Cougars are supposedly better this year, and yeah, they are, but, considering how bad they were before I fully expect them to be overwhelmed by Oregon in this game.

Colorado v. ARIZONA ST. (-31)
I can’t imagine there’s a BCS conference team that is worse than Colorado. Do any come to mind? This looks like a team that would finish at the bottom of the Big East by a mile. The basketball team is no juggernaut either. I don’t really know what the PAC-10 thought they were getting in CU. The Denver TV market? Believe me, nobody in Denver cares about CU when the team wins ten games per decade.

STANFORD (-7.5) v. Usc
If there is any team that is on a mission from God, it’s Stanford. Which really helps in this game because God hates Lane Kiffin.

LIONS (-3.5) v. Broncos
Tebow is getting all the credit for the Broncos winning last week, but shouldn’t some credit be given to the coaching staff who made the Dump-Off the focal point of their offense in the fourth quarter? It’s the only throw Tebow can make consistently, and the Dolphins had hot-dog vendors on defense by that point... The Lions, well, they’re not exactly playing like a team that I want to be picking right now, and seem like a prime candidate to reel off three or four straight ugly losses. Then again, Ndamukong “Looked it Up” Suh has been waiting to eat Tebow alive for years now. Rumor has it that the Detroit coaching staff plans on strategically starving their defensive line starting on Thursday, setting up a Sunday Jesus Feast.

5Dimes.com, Tuesday, 12:48 PM MDT. By the way everybody, Jeff Memmott friended me on the Facebooks, so he is indeed out there somewhere. Hopefully smiling. If that is not the ultimate proof that SIFUABS, I don’t know what is.

Robb Witmer Full spends his time doing other things besides letting football brain-hump him. It’s not like he's obssessed with it or anything. He’s on Twitter, for instance. That’s a thing.