October 13, 2011

Go With the Funny Misspelling

By Robb Witmer Full  |  October 13, 2011


With the help of Dr. Lou, the author stormed to a 4-1-0 Week Five in the PushMaster Invitational, the bastion of Success and Sportsmanship on the Internet since 1891. The thrustingly successful week put him within striking distance of a .500 record for the first time in a long time.

As I inch back toward respectability, I have to remember what has turned the tide for me: blindly making asinine picks that go against my terribly flawed judgement.

And Dr. Lou, he helped too. I’m still trying to shake off the hangover that proves it. Nothing like a four-day bender to get yourself re-centered and balanced.

This change in strategy was not without struggle. Initially, the thought was to pull a Costanza, to pick the exact opposite of what I think the right play is on a particular game. The biggest problem with this strategy is that you will soon find yourself lost in a maze of Escher stairs and mental rat-traps.

Fuck that. The PushMaster Invitational is tortuous as it is. I’m teetering on the brink of Gambling Insanity (that’s what all the “medicine” is for), and there’s no reason to bring infinity-quicksand into it.

So instead of picking the opposite of something I already can’t figure out, I’m going with the “why-would-I-pick-this?” strategy. It’s not without precedent. That was largely my strategy in ‘06 when I won my first of (probably) many PushMaster Championship Trophies. (I propose we start calling it the Jeff Memmott Trophy. I’ll submit it to the Council of Five.)


Usc v. Cal UNDER (58.5)
I have the night off and am going to be making a wicked batch of homebrewed beer, so I might as well have football on so I have something to throw empty bottles at. Why the Under, you ask? Because it just FEELS stupid. I’ll be rooting for muffed punts all night long.

INDIANA (+40) v. Wisconsin
The only reason I’m picking this is because Cochran called Indiana the Hossiers. Imagine my surprise to find out they are forty point underdogs on the road. Hilarious. With a point spread this high, both sides of it are fucking ridiculous, and in such cases, I say go with the funny misspelling.

STANFORD (-21) v. Washington State
Next, I picked Stanford to balance out the underdog/favorite point-scale. When I saw the spread was only twenty-one, I got worried because it seemed like a good pick. But I suppose my instincts can’t always be wrong... Or can they?

EAGLES (-1.5) v. Redskins
I made my NFL picks without looking at games or point spreads. The Eagles are a total disaster, from what I’ve heard. My Ultimate Theory of NFL Football states that every team is pretty much the same, with minor differences that are also usually kinda similar... Okay, that doesn’t make any sense, but neither does the Eagles being a favorite.

Bills v. GIANTS (-3)
The New Jersey Giants are a total shit-ball team, and they’re playing America’s Darlings, the Buffalo Bills. Again, inexplicably a favorite. If I had let my brain or emotions anywhere near this pick, I would have taken the Bills faster than Ripper on the money side of a glory hole. Instead, I used sheer Assery.

MGM-Mirage, 11:19 AM MDT, Thursday

Robb Witmer Full is now sporting a 9-14-2 record in the PushMaster Invitational Football Pool, meaning it could really go either way at this point.