September 28, 2011

The Magic of the Mustache

By Robb Witmer Full  |  September 28, 2011


The author followed up two consecutive 1-3-1 weeks with a 1-4-0 performance in Week Three of the PushMaster Invitational Football Pool, the top-notchest Football Pool on the Internet.

While the meager record was somehow enough to drag him out of last place, it also managed to nudge him closer to Gambling Insanity, an affliction for which the author has previously spent extended time in the Dr. Clayton Forrester Shock Therapy Institute.

Sucker-Bet Week indeed.

How else to explain dropping from a whopping 25% winning percentage down to a sub-whopping 23.1, and still vaulting into second-to-last place. I’m getting my confidence back, and have a skip in my step. I’m really moving up in this here PushMaster-verse.

Hmm... PushMasters of the Universe! Sounds like a great toy. Cochran! Wake up, get your people on the phone and get some Chinese factories pumping these babies out for market. C’mon, c’mon, c’mon!

Exploiting Chinese child labor and neo-liberal trade policies is just about the only way I can think of to make back the sweet, sweet PushMaster winnings that I have already spent on sweet, sweet blue-jeans.

Um, no, I didn’t just say that. Say? Write? Type? Did I? Oh, man. This season is kicking my Sanity’s ass. All week I’ve been pacing around the PushMaster Command Center muttering to myself like I’m sure Big East Commissioner John Marinatto has been around his backyard shed, the one where he keeps the voodoo dolls.

The Big East should just disband for the good of football, for the good of the schools that are in it. It would at least be a move against the BCS and the way it is sucking College Football into being NFL Jr.

Just give the whole damn thing up and let the likes of Louisville and Cincinatti roam around the vast dustbowl of college football, turn them back into independent Barn-stormers, looking for a brawl.

And mostly getting the shit kicked out of them, like the Travelling Drunk, a.k.a. the Hobo, a gabby fellow who’s judgement has eroded enough that he never knows when’s he’s about to get a bottle to the noggin.

What the fuck? The Big East will probably give it another go, adding some shit-ball teams to stick into the cracks like chewed-up sugarless gum. Who wants Central Florida? I do, I do!

If that bag of cats can keep the can rolling down the road, then I can too. Let's give it a little more time before we begin Operation Shutdown, Part 2...


SOUTH FLORIDA (-2.5) v. Pitt
Is Yinzstachio coaching for South Florida now? Why is this spread so low? I probably don’t want to know, but I literally can’t help myself from making this pick. My fingers keep typing.... Wait, Yinzstachio is an Assistant Head Coach for the Buffalo Bills? Maybe it’s not the Uniforms, but the Magic of the Mustache.

CLEMSON (+7) v. Virginia Tech
I think I’m making this pick as a way to prove I have not succumbed to Gambling Insanity, because this is clearly a Sane Pick. Only a Gamblingly Insane man can turn down seven points in this match-up. See what I’m saying?

Alabama v. Florida OVER (44.5)
This is going to go Over, right? Florida has Elite Athletes that can put up a fight against ‘Bama’s defense. Right? Guys? At least I haven’t started using a coin, or a dartboard, or the squirrel that lives outside my apartment.

Saints v. Jaguars OVER (46.5)
The worst part is that the squirrel is 10-2-3 in a different picks league he and I are in. It’s a neighborhood league. The raccoon is in last place. Stupid raccoon. Me, I’m smart. I know that the Saints always go Over. Always.

Patriots v. Raiders OVER (55)
The Patriots have also been going over a lot, and the Raiders too... This should work in my favor. Fifty-five is not THAT many points. Ugh, I’m getting a fever, a severe case of Football Fever. I think I may need a visit to the doctor... Dr. Lou, that is., 12:28 Am Mdt, Wednesday

Robb Witmer Full at this point really just wants to finish ahead of the squirrel.