September 15, 2011

Peyton Manning and Brett Favre, Hanging Out in Their Underwear

By Robb Witmer Full  |  September 15, 2011


The author has for the better part of a decade participated in the Internet’s premier Football picks league, the PushMaster Invitational Football Pool, the Roster for which is among the most exclusive in the world.

America-Thrust has contracted the author to turn his weekly picks — which can be College Football or Pro, sides or totals — into a regular column. It is our hope to document, in detail, his descent back into the depths of Gambling Insanity, an affliction the author has dealt with for years.

The beat-down administered to Colt’s Bar & Dancehall by the Texans was to be expected. The Colt’s were on a sharp decline well before Peyton Manning’s neck got broke, and as PushMaster Alumni will recall I declared the Colt’s “over” in Week Eight of last year, making it official.

A Peyton-less NFL has been on my wish-list for nigh a decade, so thank-yous are in in order for Santa Claus and his elves for my wonderful early present. There’s just so much less to hate about the league without him and (at least for now) no Brett Favre in sight.

If we’re all lucky, Manning will realize there’s something else to life, and choose to retire to his beach-house filled with bean-bag chairs stuffed with fifty-dollar bills, with him and Favre hanging out together in their underwear all day.

Even with that possibility looming, I can’t be pleased with my Week One performance. Per usual, I started off the season by throwing a bunch of things at the PushMaster wall to see what sticks.

Well, not much did, so I have to start the pot boiling all over again, and now I’m elbows deep in League de Futbal Nationale, a treacherous stew.

This is going to be a curious process, convincing myself that I still know something about professional football. Or should I say professional-er football?


Cardinals v. Redskins OVER (44.5)
I’m going to start with this classic over/under match-up. The Redskins are in a division that’s a lot weaker than people are giving it credit for, so who knows? Maybe they could sneak into the playoff picture. Not very likely but for now they believe it, so I expect them to come out guns blazing. Even if those six-shooters turn into Rex Grossman interceptions, I’m still digging this pick. Plus, the Cards need to validate the Kolb-Fitzgerald duo, and will do so by passing like it’s the cure for cancer. Wouldn't it be weird if it was?

Raiders v. BILLS (-3)
I like the Bills this year, mainly for the uniform change. As for the team? Who cares? The Raiders are mistake-prone, and just pulled out a victory against what might turn out to be one of the league’s worst teams. And who doesn't like picking against a team coming off a short week travelling to the other corner of the country?

PACKERS (-9.5) v. Panthers
Either the public or the Wiseguys have a gigantic boner for Cam Newton, because there is no reason to think the Packers win this game by less than thirty-five points. Maybe the Panthers will get close in garbage time, but I expect Newton to be four interceptions deep by that point, meaning the snowball is already rolling down the mountain.

Rams v. Giants OVER (43.5)
The Rams were kind of a sexy pick at the beginning of this year, then they got drubbed and wounded by the Eagles. They’ve got a real shot in their division, but I can’t talk myself into taking the six points against a team outside of it. The over plays here because the Giants, and especially their defense, are on my list of pre-season candidates for 2011’s shittiest team. They just have that stink about them.

EAGLES (-1.5) v. Falcons
The Falcons are total pretenders. Michael Vick will be really good for ten weeks. In the past, I may have been scared of this pick, but I have conquered my fear and now I am a Man. PushMaster Invitational, beware!, Thursday, 12.15 PM MDT

Robb Witmer Full is 1-3-1 for the season in the PushMaster Invitational Football Pool, and has a lifetime record of 274-253-18.