September 21, 2011

Like Jesus in the Summer Olympics

By Robb Witmer Full  |  September 21, 2011


The author for the second consecutive week finished at 1-3-1 in the PushMaster Invitational, the Internet’s premier American Football Pick’em. His winning percentage of 25.0% puts him in last place out of twenty-five players.

Jesus Goddamn Mother-fucking Balls.

Sliding into a pit of PushMaster quicksand this early in the season seems like it wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but it could be quite a slog from here on out if I don’t turn things around very, very soon.

Even getting a second Push doesn’t put me in a good position. If I did, however, keep up a pace of one Push per week, I’d be shattering records like Jesus in the Summer Olympics.

For all the Glory involved with the title of PushMaster, the monetary difference betwixt that and First Place is far too much to be ignored. I must Thrust ahead, forward to a jackpot of Earthly Riches.

Onward, warriors! Be not afraid of blood or battle or backdoor covers!


San Diego State v. Michigan OVER (60)
There were so many games that I wanted to pick this week, and that is always a bad sign. One trick I learned from some old dogs is to stick with what works. (Or SWWW, an awkward and totally unnecessary acronym, though it was popularized by an obscure pre-Star Trek Billy Shats police drama entitled SWWW! The title didn’t make a lot of sense in that era, either.) This is all to say that the Michigan Over has been very good to me for a long time, and what the fuck, nothing else is working.

OREGON (-15) v. Arizona
Picking Oregon is like picking Nike, which is like picking Satan. Nothing wrong with that in my Gambling Book. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m in last place, and as desperate as Ripper after two cases of Miller Light at a leather pants convention. Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves; Oregon is going to score a lot of points. Desert Shitstorm-style points. I think.

LIONS (-3.5) v. Vikings
The Lions look pretty good. The Vikings just fuck things up. I’m not going to be the one to not take this pick.

PATRIOTS (-8) v. Bills
Shit, another road team? This season is making me actually want to fight my picks, in a small, sweaty boxing ring, with people hanging from the nearby rafters, last-fight-in-Bloodsport-style. “Why won’t you cover, Goddamnit!?” Punch! Crush!

...I can dream. In Football reality, I’m thinking that since they’ve covered the last two weeks, the Patriots should be a solid pick, even against my boys, the Buffalo Bills. Uniforms don’t matter THAT much. Gambling Insanity, anyone?

Packers v. Bears OVER (45.5)
Um, I dunno, I just dunno... [cue polite laughter to a very inside joke]., 1:46 PM MDT, Tuesday, getting ‘em in early to shut the voices up in my head a few days sooner.

Robb Witmer Full wouldn't mind smashing his picks in the face with a splintery two-by-four.