April 29, 2010

What of America, Eh Chavez?

By Robb Witmer Full  |  April 29, 2010

"Politics is the entertainment branch of industry."
-Frank Zappa

After back-to-back extended stays in the William J. LePetomane Hospital for the Gamblingly Insane and the Dr. Clayton Forrester Shock-Therapy Institute, respectively, the author agreed to return to his position with America-Thrust provided the following conditions be met by management: 1, doubling of his salary; 2, use of the corporate jet; 3, tripling of his salary; 4, complete editorial control of the entire America-Thrust enterprise.

None of these demands were met, and, after reconsideration, the author agreed to return to his position with America-Thrust under the condition that we allow him to. All parties approved of that arrangement.

The following is the author's first correspondence since his return with Robinzon Chavez, his long-time editor and co-founder of America-Thrust.




Chavez,

If there's one thing you can learn from a spirited stint in an institute of shock-therapy, it's that there are enough crazy fucks out there to give the stupid fucks a run for their money. Even a few just there to use up what was left on their Christmas gift-cards.

It's good to see that the battle to save the sacred Wal-Mart lifestyle has not abated in my absence, though the outfits have changed. The tricorn hat has until very recently been woefully underrepresented in American fashion since the New England Patriots replaced Pat Patriot with that guy wearing a... well, a uni-corn hat.

The Captain America costumes are a welcome addition to any political cause, particularly one so rabidly anti-communist as the so-called Tea Parties are.

What of America, eh Chavez?

It's worth pointing out that from what I can tell, the plan that began with the Great Republican Dive of '08 seems to be playing out perfectly, but to what end? What is it that could lead a major political party to throw a presidential election? There are dark forces at work, and now it's a matter of tracking them down...

Which brings us to what sort of thing I'll be writing for that little shit-bag of a website we've both been wasting so much time on during the glory years of our lives, when we should be out doing something important, productive, profitable...

Before I spent my time in the gambler's clink, I was shooting around a piece on Peyton Manning and his almost assured loss in the Super Bowl, then was reworking it, after that loss came, into a piece that focused on his technical brilliance and how it leads to something far short of Greatness, and contrasting that with the game of Ben Roethlisberger, who plays with heart and improvisation... but so much for that.

Something must be done about the amenities in this country's Hospitals for the Gamblingly Insane. An expose?

The Tea Party is America now, what we've become. Not what they believe, of course, not that there's any telling what it is they really believe, or who they really are, or who cares, they're just the latest distractotainment reality-news show... But that is the problem, no? That's all we are. Our culture is fucked.

Forget their political views, their cool hats, and all that. We have people in this country that are actual threats to gain real political power based on the fact that they rank high on something called "Tweets" (some new form of Internets-based social technology; an article investigating this emerging trend?) and page-views on websites.

This shit-can Palin has a cushy job with Fox News and doesn't even have the integrity, no, ... the work ethic to put together what I would consider a real television show. Instead it's some thrown-together clip show on par with Talk Soup, maybe. Of course, I haven't been a television-viewer in quite some time, so maybe that sort of thing does meet the standard of "real television."

She's regarded as mostly a joke, but that just pisses off people who don't think so, and it pisses them off so much that they're totally willing to elect an idiot as president, just to prove some sort of asinine point. The hero of half-assed America.

And many Tea Partiers are willing to put up with someone like Palin being a media-christened leader because they're unwilling to buy out, to get off this train before it runs into the canyon.

They had the right idea, that maybe we should just burn the whole fucker down. The problem, as I see it is that they want to be comfortable while it happens. That ain't how it's gonna work any more, not in America.

In better news, for you, it looks like the Pirates may win you that $100 bucks after all. I figure that since the bet was made before I went to LePetomane it's still legit... They need some pitching if they're going to stay out of the cellar. Maybe they have a John Smiley in the weeds somewhere.

The point of the article, would be, I think, that the whole thing has been totally co-opted, by Republicans, by Fox News, et al. It's an ongoing Balloon Boy-palooza for the 24-hour news networks. And it is surety tied into the Republican Dive somehow, it being not the Tea Party, but the co-opting of it.

And do you remember that terrible morning-DJ/comedian we heard way back when in Connecticut? Well he has his own TV show now, and the Tea Partiers like him too, only they don't think he's being funny, they think he's being serious. Try to figure that out. That could be an article in and of itself.

No but what I was trying to say but typed differently was that it's not that the Tea Party has been co-opted or compromised, but that all of American life has been compromised, in the name of what? Some iPads and Double Down Sandwiches? Fuck that.

Are you even fucking getting what I'm trying to say here, or are you already into your second case of Miller Lite? Paying attention?

Whatever, get back to me. I'm looking forward to taking your money during the upcoming football season. Who's looking good this year? Not the Big East, that's for sure.

Well, the lithium is starting to wear off, so I'm having a hard time bearing the thought of you any longer. It's been too long since we talked... How are things? Been to any good shock-therapy institutes lately?

I have,
RWF


Robb Witmer Full is allowed to walk amongst the general public.
@robbwitmer