April 12, 2013

No Expectations

Can the 2013 Pittsburgh Pirates live up to their complete lack of hope?

By Robinzon Chavez   


America-Thrust has tasked the author with following the 2013 Pittsburgh Pirates from the newly-established Pittsburgh Bureau and filing a 500-word-minimum story every Friday for the entire season as the team attempts to have a winning season for the first time since 1992. The first of these stories was a season preview and was finished on time — with several hours to spare. However, the first Friday of the season came and went without so much as a single tweet about baseball from the author.

March 29, 2013

Bucn It Up, Chavez Style: Pirates Preview '013

By ROBINZON CHAVEZ    
HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL, ALLEGEDLY.


The author is one of the most irresponsible employees in the history of America-Thrust, disappearing for months at a time, ignoring deadlines, missing scheduled flights, and engaging in an unprofessional amount of general asshattery. It has reached the point at which the staff is seriously considering a mutiny against the author, who also, for the time being, holds the position of editor-publisher-at-large.

December 29, 2012

ESPN Monkey-Logic

By ROBB WITMER FULL    
LOOK HOW VALUABLE ANDREW LUCK IS BEING FOR THE COLTS AS THIS PICTURE IS BEING TAKEN.


Remember when the Colts were shitting the bed last year on their way to a 2-14 record? This caused many prominent jag-offs to say that Peyton Manning, who played exactly ZERO snaps, should be the MVP of the 2011 season. This is massively stupid for many reasons, not the least of which is that it’s incredibly insulting to any player who played during the 2011 season, or to any player who’s ever been injured.

December 4, 2012

Johnny Tebow

By ROBB WITMER FULL    
JOHNNY "BUFFALO SHOT" MANZIEL COULD BE THE MOST OVERRATED PLAYER OF ALL TIME.


Looks like we’ve got another Tebow situation on our hands. It’s still too early to tell for sure how bad this one is going to get, but so far it’s not looking good.

November 28, 2012

A Very Dr. Lou Thanksgiving

By ROBB WITMER FULL    
DR. LOU WOULD LIKE THIS MUCH MESCALINE FOR THE TAPING OF HIS THANKSGIVING SPECIAL.


The author has for decades been cultivating contacts very deep within the ESPNiverse that have provided him with covert information on multiple ESPN employees as well as transcripts for ESPN programming that never made it to the air for various reasons, usually related to the objections of the standards & practices board, upper management, or both.

November 14, 2012

A Major Moment

PUSHMASTER PICKS '012: WEEK ELEVEN

By Robb Witmer Full  |  November 14, 2012

ROBERT GRIFFIN DOESN'T KNOW IT, BUT HE WISHES HE WAS MAJOR HARRIS.


For the eighth consecutive season, the author is competing in the PushMaster Invitational Football Pool, the greatest gambling pool in the history of Sport. Every week players must make five picks against the point spread, college or pro, overs or unders.


If ever there was a time for Tebow, it is now. Everything that could have been predicted about what would go wrong with the Jets this season is happening in beautiful slow-motion right before our eyes — everything, that is, except for Tim Tebow.

November 7, 2012

Romney's Hail Mary

PUSHMASTER PICKS '012: WEEK TEN

By ROBB WITMER FULL    
NOT EVEN DOUG FLUTIE HAD A CHANCE OF COMPLETING THIS PASS.


For the eighth consecutive season, the author is competing in the PushMaster Invitational Football Pool, the greatest gambling pool in the history of Sport. Every week players must make five picks against the point spread, college or pro, overs or unders.


Holy mother-shitting Jesus balls. Just when things were starting to go my way, I shit-tank my way to a 1-4 week, putting a .500 record a few more games out of reach. And while I’m busy rolling around in my pile of rage, it looks as though 4-1 records have become de rigueur around these parts, making my sub-winning record that much more sad.

November 4, 2012

A Gambler's Sampler Platter

PUSHMASTER PICKS '012: WEEK NINE

By ROBB WITMER FULL    
THE RETURN OF RYAN TANNEHILL IS GOOD NEWS?


For the eighth consecutive season, the author is competing in the PushMaster Invitational Football Pool, the greatest gambling pool in the history of Sport. Every week players must make five picks against the point spread, college or pro, overs or unders.


I’ve got the sampler platter today: Home ‘dog, home favorite, road ‘dog, road favorite, with an over thrown in to spice it up. This is not a strategy, just how things shook out.

October 21, 2012

The Demise of Sky Rape

PUSHMASTER PICKS '012: WEEK SEVEN

By ROBB WITMER FULL    
MAYBE LOOK FOR THE BALL ONCE IN A WHILE.


For the eighth consecutive season, the author is competing in the PushMaster Invitational Football Pool, the greatest gambling pool in the history of Sport. Every week players must make five picks against the point spread, college or pro, overs or unders.


Last night I personally witnessed the worst defense in College Football history: the 2012 West Virginia Mountaineers. If you have a strong stomach, check this team out some time. On any given play, only one or two of the eleven players seem to have an idea of where the ball is, and even they don’t act like they know what to do with that information.

October 17, 2012

NFL Week 7 Point Spread Breakdown

By ROBB WITMER FULL    
THERE HE GOES AGAIN.


This part of the season, when the league goes all topsy-turvy and loosey-goosey, is the only time I can make any sense of Professional Football. It must be because my judgement is so incredibly deformed that it’s the only peg that will fit into the warped hole of NFL chaos.

The underdogs were 10-4 against the spread and 8-6 straight up last week, throwing America into a tailspin so steep and swift that we’re looking to cling to anything, anyone — even a slithering boob like Mitt “Magic Underwear” Romney — if it will, or might, give us a better chance of landing softly.

Nothing this season has been as schizophrenic as the narrative surrounding Peyton Manning. ESPN has been on an endless up-and-down bender like a junkie with a day job. In Week 1, Manning reclaimed his status as one of the best quarterbacks of all time and the Broncos were Super Bowl contenders. By Week 3, he was a washed-up chump hanging onto his career solely on name recognition. Week 4? He was a wizard again, slicing through the Raiders’ secondary like a surgeon. In Week 5, he was a noodle-armed fogey who can’t throw the ball more than ten yards downfield. Now, through six games, Manning is once again a Football God amongst mere men by virtue of an historic comeback.

This is getting tiresome. Why can’t we all just agree that he’s a good quarterback that is now less good because of old age? I suppose that would be asking a lot, especially of in-game commentators who are too busy jizzing all over the broadcast booth every time Manning does a hard count, or points to the left or right before a snap.

No less than once on Monday night, Jon Gruden claimed Manning has “willed” Willis McGahee into being a productive running back. Certainly, no quarterback in NFL history gets more credit for his team’s running game than Manning. Part of this is fostered by the myth — perpetuated for nearly two decades — that he stands alone in the dominion of Football in changing the play at the line of scrimmage. It’s preposterous, of course. Nearly every quarterback above the junior high level has checked into a run out of a pass play, or vice versa, but somehow we’re supposed to assume that Manning has a much deeper understanding of the intricacies of pass-vs.-run because he makes a show of it.

Enough already. Peyton is not only not the best quarterback of his generation, he’s no better than the second-best quarterback in his family, and I write that having never seen Archie play.


LAST WEEK: 8-6-0 | SEASON: 29-28-1, 50.9%

Seahawks v. 49ers (-7)
I finally figured out what the Seahawks are: 49ers 2.0. A badass defense and a passable quarterback. I’m curious what Russell Wilson’s glove size is compared to Alex Smith’s. Let’s take the points and hope the Niners continue to slide. Pick: SEAHAWKS (+7)

Titans v. Bills (-3)
This is when the Bills start their run to the 2012 AFC East title. Pick: BILLS (-3)

Cowboys (-2) v. Panthers
Should be the ugliest game of the day, maybe the year. If not ugly, at least very sad. PANTHERS (+2)

Ravens v. Texans (-6.5)
I don’t care who’s hurt for the Ravens, this is way, way too many points. RAVENS (+6.5)

Redskins v. Giants (-5.5)
The Giants are the best team in football right now, so I suggest betting on them now, before they turn into the worst team in football for a couple of weeks... After which they will once again be the best team in football. Pick: GIANTS (-5.5)

Saints (-3) v. Buccaneers
The theme of the season: if I’m having trouble making a decision, I just pick the underdog every time. Pick: BUCCANEERS (+3)

Packers (-5.5) v. Rams
Aaron Rodgers is rolling now. Game over. Pick: PACKERS (-5.5)

Cardinals v. Vikings (-6)
Is it John Skelton, or Josh Skelton? Who cares? The Cardinals are falling back to earth faster than Felix Baumgartner. Pick: VIKINGS (-6)

Browns v. Colts (-3)
By my calculations, there is a 90% chance this game comes down to a last-minute field goal attempt. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a three-point head start when that happens? Pick: BROWNS (+3)

Jaguars v. Raiders (-4)
Literally nobody cares who wins this game. Pick: JAGUARS (+4)

Jets v. Patriots (-10.5)
This spread seems really high, but I just can’t — CAN’T — pick the Jets against what appears to be an above-average team. Pick: PATRIOTS (-10.5)

Steelers (-2.5) v. Bengals
How are the Steelers favored against anybody? Pick: BENGALS (+2.5)

Lions v. Bears (-6)
The Bears are getting a little big for their britches, while the Lions are just now finding their pants. Pick: LIONS (+6)


Robb Witmer Full (@robbwitmer) is just happy we haven't had Tim Tebow to kick around this season, regardless of the concerted efforts of the fine folks at ESPN.